Sex Jokes

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?”

“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”

“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll ’round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”

“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.

There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, ‘I’ve got to see this…two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so’s there’s no trouble.’

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She’s yellling, “Ohhhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, ‘That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.’

As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes.How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”

“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says,”except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.

The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.

Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

“So did you follow him?” asks the pharmacist.

“Yup.”

“Where did he go?”

“Your house.”

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him.

The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small white guy faints!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. “What’s wrong?”.

The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”.

The big black dude looks down and says “7 foot all, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said Turn around.”

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan.

From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed.

His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.

“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?” “Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?” “I got fired.” “No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh…she got fired too.”

While making love to his wife, Carl discovered he couldn’t enjoy it.

Though they had been married only a few years, he relflectly unhappily, their love-making had become infrequent and bland.

Then quite suddenly, alarmed, he said: “What happened, did I hurt you ?”

“Why no, not at all,” said his surprised wife. “Whatever made you ask that ?”

“Well, no reason actually,” the bored husband replied with a sigh, “It’s just that for a moment there, I thought you actully moved.”

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader’s table.

Said the mysterious old woman, “For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.”

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, “I can see that you have no girlfriend.”

“That’s true,” said Paul.

“Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Paul shamefully admitted. “That’s amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?”

“Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.”

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold, blustery January day. When the daughter said to her mother, “My hands are freezing cold.” The mother replied, “Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up.” So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the girl was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, “My hands are freezing cold.” The daughter said, “Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up.” He did, and his hands warmed up.

The next day, the boyfriend is riding in the buggy with the daughter, he said, “My nose is freezing cold.” The daughter said, “Put it between my legs, it will warm up.” He did and his nose warmed up.

The next day the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, “My penis is frozen solid.”

The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother and says to her mother, “Have you ever heard of a penis?” The slightly concerned mother says, “Sure, why do you ask?” The daughter answers, “Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!!”

Two country bumpkins get married and go to the city for their honeymoon. They go into their hotel room for the night and get in bed, and neither of them knows what to do now.

They look out the window and see some sailors outside. “I’ll bet they can help us!” says the husband, and runs downstairs.

A sailor comes up back with him. He takes a piece of chalk and draws a circle on the floor several feet away from the bed. “Now I want you to watch me carefully, but no matter what I do, do not step out of the circle,” says the sailor.

The husband is standing in the circle while the sailor proceeds to make wild passionate love to the wife for a few hours.

The sailor stands up afterwards and sees that the husband is giggling. “What’s so funny?!” asks the sailor. The husband answers, “I stepped out of the circle three times, and you didn’t even notice!”