A “city-boy” ventured out and bought himself a farm-house. He needed some animals for the farm and inquired at the neighbor’s place.
The old farmer agreed to sell some animals and the two walked through the yard. The city-boy pointed and asked, “What kind of animal is that?” “Well,” said the farmer, “that is a cock, which you city folks call a rooster.” “Ok, I’ll take one of them,” said the city boy.
He pointed to another animal, and the farmer told him, “That one is a pullet, or what you call a chicken.” “I’ll take it,” said the city boy.
“You will also need a hard working animal to help you with the chores, so I’ll sell you this ass, or mule.” The city-boy agreed.
“The mule might give you problems being stubborn ‘n all and lie down on you,” informed the farmer. “If you scratch his belly really good, he’ll get up.”
As the city-boy is heading home, a beautiful girl is approaching. All of a sudden, the mule lies down and refuses to move. The girl hurries over and asks if she can help. “Yeah,” exclaimed the city-boy, “You can grab my cock & pullet while I reach around and scratch my ass.
“Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground…
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
“Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck,” the other added.
There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered the late teens, the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, “Hi, my name’s Joe. I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, “My name’s Eddie. I’m here for Betty. We’re gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck…” And the farmer shot him.
A guy is driving through the countryside and suddenly develops car trouble. The highway is rather deserted, and having no other choice, he pulls his car over. Fortunately he sees a farmhouse a little ways up, and walks there in hope of using a phone to call for help.
At the house a farmer answers the door, and hearing the man’s plight, welcomes him in to use the phone. While the man is on the phone calling a towing service, he notices something odd in the farmer’s backyard – a pig with a wooden leg. Waiting for the tow truck, the two strike up a conversation.
The man can’t help his curiosity and asks the farmer, “Was that a pig with a wooden leg I saw in your yard?” “Sure was,” the farmer replies. The man says, “I have to know, why does the pig have a wooden leg?”
“Well, that’s a very special pig,” the farmer says. “One day, I tripped and sprained my ankle near the highway. That pig pulled me from harm’s way and went to the house, got my wife, and let her know I was in trouble.”
“Wow,” the man said. “I don’t know of many dogs that could do that. That is a special pig. But, please tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?”
“Well, as I was saying,” the farmer replied, “that’s a very special pig. One day me and the Mrs. were asleep in bed, when the house caught on fire. That pig ran upstairs, jumped on the bed, woke the both of us up, and sure as I’m talking to you today, saved our lives.”
“I understand that pig is very special,” the man says, getting a little frustrated, “But, please tell me. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?”
“Well,” the farmer replied, “a pig as special as that, you wouldn’t want to eat him all at once now, would you?”
A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatos won’t ripen. There’s a limit to the number of uses for green tomatos and she’s getting tired of it.
So she goes to her neighbor and says, “Your tomatos are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?” Her neighbor replies, “Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do.
Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatos can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.” Well, what the heck? She does it.
Next day her neighbor asks how it worked. “So-so,” she answers. “The tomatos are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.”