Bush Jokes

George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains “I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me.”

Cheney, feeling sorry for his “boss,” says “Oh, they’re only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.”

Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.

“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street.

Cheney looks at Bush and says, “See! This guy is really stupid.”

George Bush agrees. “He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.”

After numerous rounds of ‘We don’t even know if bin Laden is still alive’, bin Laden decides to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let him know that he is still in the game.

Bush opens the letter and sees only a coded message: “370HSSV-0773H”. He can’t figure it out, so he asks Karl Rove.

Rove suggests that the head of the CIA would certainly understand code, so Bush sends it to George Tenet. Tenet, however, can’t figure it out, either. He suggests, “How about Condi? She has a doctorate, that means she’s smart.”

But Dr. Rice is baffled, too. As Bush is pondering the mysterious message lying on the desk before him, Colin Powell enters the Oval Office. When he sees the paper and reads what is written on it, he asks, “Sir, where did that come from?”

Bush replies testily, “Supposedly it’s a message from Osama bin Laden. But what the hell does ‘370HSSV-0773H’ mean?”

Powell clears his throat and replies, “Mr. President, I think you’ve been looking at the message upside down.”
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”

The bartender says, “Yep, that’s them.” So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”

Bush says, “We’re planning WWIII.”

And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.”

The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?”

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smartass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”
A country doctor is suturing a laceration on the hand of an old farmer.

Old man: “All you need to know about politics is that young George Bush is a post turtle.”

Doctor: “Oh? What is a post turtle?”

Old man: “When your driving down a country road, and ya come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? That’s a post turtle. Ya know he didn’t get there by himself, he don’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help take the poor thing down.”
Cheney gets a call from his “boss”, George. “I’ve got a problem,” says George.

“What’s the matter?” asks Cheney.

“Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges.”

“What’s it a picture of?” asks Cheney.

“A big rooster,” replies George.

“All right,” sighs Cheney, “I’ll come over and have a look.” So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. George points at the jigsaw on his desk.

Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to George and says, “For crying out loud, Georgie – put the corn flakes back in the box.”
George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

“You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?” Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

“You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn’t hesitate. “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.”

Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

“Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

Bush looks bewildered, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”
In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a “George Bush Is Not Stupid” convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.

Trent Lott says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush.”

After the cheers die down. Lott says “Mr. President, we’re going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?”

Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, “Eighteen!”

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, “Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!”

Trent Lott says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that.” So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks “Ninety?”

Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened.

But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again “Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!”

Lott, unsure whether he’s doing more harm than good, eventually says, “Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?”

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces “Four.”

A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.

These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:

“GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!”
Bush and the Queen of England are talking. Bush asks the queen, “How is it that you’ve found such smart, trustworthy people to run your country?” The Queen replies, “I test them to see how smart they are. Watch this.” and she calls in Tony Blair.

When Tony Blair arrives the Queen asks him, “Your mother had a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?” And Tony Blair says, “The son is me!”

“Yes, very impressive,” says Bush, and he heads back to the US. Back at the White House, Bush calls Karl Rove into his office. He says, “Karl, your mother had a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?” Karl Rove looks confused. “This will take some investigation.”

Karl wanders around the White House until he runs into Colin Powell. “Colin Powell,” he asks “Your mother had a son, but the son is not your brother, who is he?” And Colin Powell says, “that’s easy, the son is me!” Karl Rove rushes back to the president.

“George,” Karl says, “The son is Colin Powell!”

George Bush shakes his head. “No you idiot! The son is Tony Blair!”
Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld are flying in on Air Force One when George peers out the window and says “You know, I could throw a thousand dollar bill out the window and make one person really happy.”

Cheney, not to be outdone answers “well I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people really happy.”

Rumsfeld, chiming in, says “well I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make 100 people really happy.”

The pilot, having overheard this conversation in the cockpit, leans over to the co-pilot and says “We could throw all 3 of them out the window and make 175 million people really happy!”