Bar Jokes

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, “This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five dollars that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer.”

So the bartender said, “All right. What is 10+11+13.”

The dog said, “34.” Wow he got it right. So, he handed over the 5 dollar bill.

Then the guy said, “Don’t let my dog go anywhere I have to use the bathroom.”

So he hands the dog the 5 dollars to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says, “If your so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper.” So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn’t see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy, “The dog went to get me a newspaper.”

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before.”

The dog says, “I have never had 5 dollars before either.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down for a couple of beers. A few minutes later, a lanky, bow-legged cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

“I do”, the Lone Ranger replied. “Why?”

The cowboy drawled, “You better take care of him. He¹s almost dead from the heat.”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and found Silver leaning against the hitching post, panting. They got him some water and soon Silver was looking better, but he was still panting.

The Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, run around Silver as fast as you can and see if the breeze makes him feel any better.

Tonto replied, “Sure, Kemosabe,” and began running around and around Silver. The Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his beer.

A few minutes later, another cowboy came into the bar and drawled, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

“I do,” the Lone Ranger said, “What’s wrong with him this time?”

“Nothin’,” the cowboy said, “But you left your Injun runnin’.”
A blind man walks into a bar with a seeing-eye dog. When the blind man reaches the center of the bar, he snatches the dog up by his collar and starts swinging him around and around.

The bartender speaks up and says “Hey what the hell are you doing?”

The blind man says, “Just taking a look around..”
A guy walks into a bar and says, “Bartender give a shot.” He takes the shot then looks in his pocket. “Bartender! Give another shot!” He takes the shot then looks in his pocket.” He says “Bartender give another shot.” He takes the shot then looks in his pocket.

The bartender says, “Why is it that after every shot do you look in your pocket?”

“I have a picture of his wife & when she look goods, I’ll go home!”
A guy walks into a bar and asks for three beers. The bartender puts them up and then watches the guy go through a peculiar ritual. “Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, happy birthday” Each time he says the word he drinks the beer. Then he pays and walks out.

One year later he enters the bar again and orders the same thing. The bartender watches him go through the same ritual. Curious, he asks the bloke why.

“Well” the guy says, “I have a friend in Ireland and a friend in Australia. We have our birthdays on the same day. We can’t be together so we have agreed that on this day we will each go into our local pub and have a round of drinks for each other. We have been doing this for 55 years since we were 18”

The next year the man comes in and asks the bartender for two beers. The bartender, a bit taken aback, places two beers in front of the guy and watches him say “happy birthday, happy birthday!”

The bartender asks “So which one died?”

“No one.”

“But you only ordered two drinks!”

“Yeah, well, I’ve given up drinking.”
A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!”

The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells “CHEERS!” and downs their drinks.

The bartender says “That’ll be $37.50.”

The drunk says, “I don’t have any money!”

This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats the living daylights out of the drunk and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, “I’d like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too.”

The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, “Salute!” and down the drinks.

The bartender says, “That’ll be $42.50.”

The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, “I don’t have any money !”

This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the hell out of the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure.

The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, “Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?”

The drunk replies, “No way, you get too violent when you drink!”
There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, “What the hell was that for?”

The Jew replies, “That was for Pearl Harbor.”

The Chinese says, “That was the Japanese, I’m Chinese.”

The Jew says, “well you have black hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it’s all the same to me.”

The Chinese says “Okay” and sits on his stool and continues drinking.

About a half hour later the Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up and says, “What the hell was that for?”

The Chinese says “That was for the Titanic.”

The Jew replies, “The Titanic? That was an Iceberg.”

The Chinese says, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it’s all the same to me.”
Two flies walk into a bar and order drinks and start talking.

The first fly asks, “How was your travel down here?”

The second fly answers “It was cold. I rode in a bikers mustache. How was yours?”

The first fly answers, “I was warm. I rode in a biker chicks’ pussy. You ought to do it next year.”

So a year passes and the same two flies met in the same bar.

The first fly says, “Did you do it?”

The second fly answers, “Yes but some how I still showed up in a biker’s mustache.
An Englishman, American, and Irishman, all walk into a bar and order a beer. The bartender hands them there beer, however there are flies in each mug of beer.

Well the Englishman pushes the beer aside and says, “That’s disgusting.”

The American pulls the fly out and starts drinking the beer.

The Irishman pulls the fly out, sets it on the counter and shouts, “SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD.”
An Indian scouting party captures a cowboy from a bar and brings him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. At sundown third day, you die. What first wish?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man… only think one thing.” The second day, the chief says, “What wish today?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man going die tomorrow … can only think one thing.” The last day comes, and the chief says, “This last wish, white man. What want?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips you idiot! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”
A guy walks into a bar where there is loud music playing. He spots a pretty girl at the end of the bar and approaches her.

He says “Would you like to dance?” and she replies “I really don’t like this song. And even if I did I wouldn’t dance with you.”

To which the guy replies “I don’t think you heard me correctly. I said you look fat in those pants.”
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,

“Wow! You look GREAT tonight!”

The man looks over at the bartender who didn’t say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!

“That’s an awesome shirt! You are amazing!”

He looks around and he’s the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, “Was the voice saying bad things or good things?”

And the man replies, “Good things, why?”

And the bartender says, “It must have been the complimentary nuts.”
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. “What can I get you?” asked the bartender.

“Anything but a Canadian Club” replied the seal.


A chicken walks into a bar.

The bartender says “We don’t serve poultry!”

The chicken says “That’s OK I just want a drink.”


A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.”

The guy replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!”

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