Aussie Jokes

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are talking about sex.

The Italian says, “When i have finished making love to my girl, she levitates six inches from the bed.”

The Frenchman says, “That’s nothing! After 6 hours of continuous love making to my girl, she levitates 3 feet off the bed!”

The Australian says: “Streuth mate, when I’ve finished ‘rooting’ me Sheila, I get off the bed, wipe me cock on the curtains…and she goes through the fucking roof!!”

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you

Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!”

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander.”

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ” Thank you for having such beautiful country here in Australia!”

The person says, “I not Australian, I Vietnamese.”

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, “Thank you for the wonderful Australia!”

That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East, I am not Australian!”

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an Australian?”

She says, “No, I am from South Africa!”

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Australians?”

The South African lady checks her watch and says….”Probably at work.”

Way back in the late 19th Century, in the outback of Australia, a bloke who lives a lonely life as a squatter decides to get a mail order bride. He goes about this and the big day comes. He goes into town on his sulky dressed in his finest suit.

He goes to the railway station and introduces himself to his intended and from there he takes her to the local church where they are duly wed.

He then collects her baggage and they both head of back to the selection.

Along the way the horse just stops and the bloke has to use all of his skills ( and a selected use of colourful language in front of his new bride ) to get the horse to move again. Once under way the bloke says ” That’s once”

A bit further down the road, the horse again stops without reason. The bloke goes through the same exercise and again, when underway he says “That’s Twice”

When the horse stops without reason for the 3rd time, the bloke says, “That’s 3 times ” and immediately goes around to the back of the sulky and grabs a rifle and shoots the horse, stone motherless dead!

On seeing this the new bride unleases a tirade of abuse at the bloke, calling him heartless etc etc. When she at last calmed down, the bloke looked at her and cooly stated ” That’s once!”

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.

If you do not mind me saying,” stated the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”

I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently stuck in my arse.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first Arab says, “I was walking along Russell Street And I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Captain Ozzie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

I said, “No sh*t”

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one from Australia.

One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The Chinese said, “my country is the best cause we have the great wall.”

The Greenlander said, “no, mine is the best as we have the greenest greenest grass.”

The American said, “no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50 stars and 50 stripes.”

The Australian said, “no, mine is the greatest country as we have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American flag.”

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions one of them finds an old lamp.

He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, “Turn the entire ocean into VB!”

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, “Nice going mate! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, “Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me”

“Oh, yes, Bruce”, she says.

Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me.”

“Oh yes, Bruce” she says.

“Then, came home, couldn’t get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm.”

“Oh, yes, Bruce”, she says.

“The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bushfire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me.”

“Oh yes, Bruce,”

“Now here I am, in excruiating pain, about to die, useless and you’re still with me.”

“Yes Bruce.”

“Shirl.”

“Yes, Bruce?”

“You’re bloody bad luck”

Darren Lockyer, the Pope, John Howard & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth.

They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes.

Darren Lockyer got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi’s & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

Then John Howard got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation.

Then the Pope said to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute.

The school boy replied, no it’s ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.

A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these “Chinese customs”, he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another “Chinese custom”, he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull’s bum.

The Aussie bloke can’t handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says “Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull’s bum, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.”

“What do you mean mate” says the Aussie, “Those aren’t Australian customs.”

“Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me” replied the Chinese man,” He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit”

A Jackeroo rides into town after months of rustling. He ties the horse out the front of the pub, dusts off his pants, and then walks around to the back of the horse and runs his lips along the horse’s bum.

He heads into the bar, and asks the barmen for a glass of beer.

The barmen says, “Listen mate, can I just ask why you ran your lips along the horse’s bum ?”.

He replies, “I’ve got chapped lips”.The barmen replies, “Does that cure them?”

The jackeroo replies, “No but it sure stops me licken ’em.”

A bloke escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed.

He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.

While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years… I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay,thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!”

A pom, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it’s his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:

C.O. – How long do you intend to stay?
POM – 1 week.

C.O. – What is the nature of this trip?
POM – Business.

C.O. – Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM – I didn’t think we still needed to!

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call”. The American, being intrigued, asked priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. O.K., thank you,” said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call” sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “40 cents per call.” The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

Father, I’ve travelled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in Australia now, mate – it’s a local call”.

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,”Someone should go and tell his wife.” Macca says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,”Where did you get that, Macca?”

“Chook’s missus gave it to me.” “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?” Macca says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Chook`s widow.”

She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a slab”

What has 44 legs but can’t climb a ladder?

The Melbourne Football Club.

An aussie was surveying the beautiful New Zealand landscape from above a hill when he noticed a kiwi going for it with a sheep in the lower paddock.

Disgusted he yelled out “Hey mate in Australia we shear our sheep”! The kiwi looked at him and shouted back “Piss off I’m not sharing this with anybody, git your own!”

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Australian walk into a bar.

The barman says, “Is this some kind of bloody joke?”