Arab Jokes

There was a Lebanese man, a Jewish man and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the Province.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Lebanese man were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Jewish man had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Jewish man was thinking: The Lebanese fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: The Jewish fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Lebanese man and got slapped for it.

And the Lebanese was thinking: This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap the Jewish bastard again.

What do you call a good looking Lebanese woman?

Asif.

What do you call an arab drowning in the ocean?

Fukim.

What do you call a good locking woman in Lebanon?

Tourist.

What do you call 1 Lebanese man on the moon?

A Problem.

What do you call 1000 lebenese on the moon?

A Big Problem.

What do you call all lebenese on the moon?

Problem solved.

What do you call a lebonese man in a line up?

Wasim.

Ahmed the Arab came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very Ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help Him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor, who said, ‘Take dees bocket, go Into de odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit, and den put your head Down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.’

Ahmid took The bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed on the shit, Bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the Doctor he said, ‘It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with Me?’

The doctor said, ‘You were homesick .’

The President of the USA, George Bush, and his Vice President, Dick Cheney, are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in, sees them and asks the barman, “Isn’t that the President and the Vice President sitting over there?” The bartender says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?” Bush says, “We’re planning World War Three.”

And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?” Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Arabs and one blonde with big breasts.”

The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big breasts? Why would you kill a blonde with big breasts?” Bush turns to Cheney and says, “See, I told you no one would care about 140 million Arabs”.

An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.

“That’s humiliation,” shouts the Iraqi, “why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!”

The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.

After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, “Tell me why you didn’t sign the check the first time but signed it later on?”

The Iraqi said, “You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it.”

US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Two Arabs are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of fermented goat’s milk.

One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son, he’s a martyr.”

“This is my second son. He is a martyr also.”

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”

During the 7-day Arab-Israeli war, the opposing armies were camped extremely close to one another on the first night of the war. One Israeli yelled out: “Hey Abdul, are you there?”

On the Arab side, Abdul stood up and said “Yeah?” The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Abdul.

The second night, another Israeli yelled out, “Hey Mohammed, are you there?”

On the Arab side, Mohammed stood up and said “Yeah?” The Israelis took out their machine guns and mowed down Mohammed.

On the third night, the Arabs got smart. One of them yelled “Hey Moshe, are you there?”

The Israelis yelled back, “No, Moshe isn’t here but is that you, Achmed?”

Achmed stood up and said “Yeah?” and the Israelis took out the machine guns and mowed down Achmed.

Failed Afghan recruitment slogans:

Be Allah you can be!

Martyrs have more fun!

Free camouflage turbans! Sign up today!

Uncle osama wants you!

Q: How do you tell when an arab has gone through puberty?

A: He takes his diaper off of his ass and puts it on his head.

Q: Why aren’t there any WalMarts in Afghanistan?

A: Because there’s a Target on every corner.

Q: What do you call a guy with his hand up a camel’s ass?

A: An Afghani mechanic.

Q: What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Afghanistan?

A: map!

Q: In Iraq, Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the same day?

A: Its just too hard for the camels…

Q: How do you stop an Arab from drowning?

A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Why are camels called “Ships of the Desert”?

A: Because they’re full of Arab seamen…

Q: When is the only time you can spit in a arab womans face?

A: When her mustache is on fire!

Q: What do you ask a man who’s just converted to Islam?

A: Have you started beating your wife.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they prefer to sit in the dark and blame it on the Jews.

Q: How many Muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

A: What’s toilet paper?

Q: What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?

A: Lefty!

Q: How did the Muslim adulteress cross the road?

She was dragged by her feet, kicking and screaming, then she was stoned to death by a baying lynch-mob of brainwashed psychopaths.

An Arab sees an old friend of his coming towards him. He notices that his friend has lots of stitches and bandages around one of his wrists, and as he gets within earshot, he says “I see you won your appeal”.